Being pregnant this third time has been different since the very beginning. When we discussed "going for it" last year after Margaret turned two, I had no idea how different things would be if God decided to bless us with another miracle. When we discovered we were expecting another little one, of course we were excited, but then my anxiety crept in. I know that anxiety comes from Satan and I have allowed it to creep into my mind and thoughts entirely too much these past seven months. But I'm trying. Daily. I'm trying to let it go and have faith.
So many things have jumped out at me during this time, things that I have completely freaked out about and then been amazed at how they worked out. At the very first ultrasound at 8 weeks they discovered two huge cysts on my ovaries, cysts that had not been there ever before. The tech was concerned, sent me to my OB, who said there was nothing we could do except watch them and if they were still there when I delivered they'd remove during the C-section. So there was literally nothing I could do. Nothing. Out of my control, out of my hands. And these cysts were apparently big. So fast forward five weeks. Five weeks of googling, some pain, lots of questions to my poor husband, and I go back into ultrasound. Cysts are gone, they resolved themselves. Done, nothing to worry about. Doctor was pleased, not surprised, and all was fine with the baby too. I thanked God, I cried, I asked what had I done to deserve this great news that nothing was wrong.....now, I absolutely know that cysts come and go, but I had never before experienced one and didn't understand why or how I had gotten these. I choose to thank God that because of the ultrasound, these cysts were caught, monitored and eventually gone. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I could have had them and experienced pain and just had no clue what was happening to me.
Thank you, God, for being so faithful and showing me that you are in control, and it does me no good to try to be in control. It's not my job, it's yours, it's all in Your hands, and I have to sit back and relax.
Next ultrasound, I learn that at the 13 week appointment I had some bloodwork drawn, and at the 17 week visit I discover that something in my placenta showed a hormone that would put me at increased risk for pre-eclampsia and/or other things. I have a low PappA and have to be monitored via ultrasound by my perinatologist every four weeks. I immediately start crying when the perinatologist is talking to me about these findings, simply because I have never gotten anything from my OB or the perinatologist during the first two pregnancies except "everything is fine, all normal, see you in 8 weeks" so this news hits me hard. I ask if it's my age, she assures me it's not. I ask if I should do anything differently, she says nope. Honestly she is acting as if this is nothing to even think about. Perhaps she doesn't know me very well. :) Because I know myself, and I know that I am going to research this and try and figure out what it all means. And honestly, it's been 11 weeks since these "findings" and absolutely nothing is indicating that this is anything to worry about or think about. I called one of my BFFs and she was pregnant at the time, she told me that she had the exact same results, the exact same numbers, and she knew it was ok. God put words in her mouth to make me feel so much better and two months ago, at 36 weeks, she delivered a healthy baby girl. Just a comforting example that I don't have to expect or think the worst.
Next ultrasound at 21 weeks I learn that I have an anterior placenta, and that 1/3 of all pregnancies are anterior. It basically means nothing, but I took this news and ran with it, and got scared, and started googling, and started panicking. My doctor told me she had two anterior placenta pregnancies herself, and the perinatologist did too. So did my hormones come back a little wacky because of where the placenta is? Is my placenta anterior this time for a reason? Why were my first two pregnancy posterior? So many questions, so much anxiety, so many what ifs, or what will happen if, etc. And what I've had to come to conclude is that I don't know. I don't know and i never will. I do know that many people get news that is devastating and news that makes their doctors worry, and I haven't had that happen. Yes, things are different this time around, for whatever reason, and I don't know why. But what I am choosing to believe is that God is in all of this. He's showing me something. He's working in me for something. Being out of control is hard for me, even down to me always wanting to drive. But lately I've been sitting in the passenger seat. Literally. Figuratively. I am learning to let go and let God. A phrase I've said and prayed and believed my whole life, but perhaps just now really actually DOING. Letting go and letting God. Sure, I'm still a wreck at times and I still have moments of sheer terror when I think of the upcoming c-section. But when I do that now, I'm choosing to think of the moment I hold my third daughter. The moment I walk for the first time after that surgery to the nursery to peek at her, that moment my first two daughters meet their baby sister, the one they are kissing on my belly every single day. I'm choosing to think of the hospital room service (Piedmont is like a hotel, it's very cool how they do things). I'm choosing to think of the first week that I'm going to spend exhausted and bleary eyed gazing at this child that God will be entrusting me with. I am choosing to get excited about the goal instead of panicking during this "training" - because the panic and anxiety is not making me a better wife, or a better mother, and certainly not a better Christian. I have no choice BUT to LET IT GO. And that truly feels good. It feels scary, but it feels right. My life is in His hands, this pregnancy is in His hands, my children are in His hands, and as a Christian I have to let HIM be in control - not me. Pray with me as I continue this walk because it's not always easy, but it is essential and I have never felt so vulnerable, yet so strong in my faith as I do in this phase of my life. I will never be the same again, and I love seeing God's hand because without that comfort I wouldn't be able to function!
And in between these ultrasounds and life changing moments I am the proudest mommy of my two baby girls. Every day is a blessing. EVERY single day. I cherish them more now than I have ever before. They are just amazing to me, and growing and changing so much so fast. Libby is now writing words, putting it all together. Margaret is reading her books and being a mommy to her babies. Libby loves to add and we sing songs that allow her to calculate in her head as we sing, and Margaret loves singing her ABCs all the time. I don't deserve these girls, and I am so grateful that I am home with them because in the blink of an eye they will be grown! I pray to be the best mom to them, and I pray that I will be all they need me to be. Some days when I'm feeling overwhelmed, or stressed, or worried, I feel like the WORST mom in the world. I feel preoccupied, scattered. The other day was one of those days. Just felt all over the place. Had to go to Publix for the eighth time that week. As I was checking out, the cashier named Carolyn (yep, I know all their names, and they know mine AND the girls) said to me out of the blue "Amy, you have the patience of Job, you are going to be the best mom to all three of your babies" - to which I immediately start crying and just tell her how she has no idea what that meant to me, but I'm sure glad she decided to say those words to me. I believe God had His hand in her words, just as He has a hand in every aspect of my life. I'm so thankful.